9th Year Word Vomit
Three highball cans and two Aperol spritzes down the line, I got a card.
“A decision I need to make….” the card said.
The gist of this card game is simple: a therapy session in reality. Each of the players has cards in their arsenal that’s usually a question or an unfinished sentence. Strategically, you’d have at least a person in mind per card in your hand. Curious about a conflict you’ve never talked about? Elephants in the room? Lingering tendencies? This is that game.
When it’s your turn, your friends will all choose one card each from their hand that they want you to answer. You choose one that you feel like answering (or the least incriminating).
Among cards about sexual discrepancies, generational trauma, and cringe memories you’d wish to send to the blip, I thought this card was the easiest. Or at least would allow me to form coherent sentences out of.
“is whether I should stay in Japan or not” was the most sober answer I could come up with. It’s as if it was just waiting there to be answered.
This is my 9th year in Japan. And if I’m being honest, I’m past the deadline for leaving. I’ve already almost spent a third of my life (my entire adult life post-University) here and I have never been an adult elsewhere. I say this every year I feel an itch to write about living in Japan.
I told myself in 2015 that I’ll stay for 3 years, max. This is my 3rd 3 years. This is my 3rd essay about it. In full honesty, I don’t feel compelled to think about it anymore. Or at least like I used to. I’ve gotten used to living here with my communities that the mere question of whether I should stay or not just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. I live here. End of story.
“A decision I need to make is whether I should stay in Japan or not.”
Then the obvious thoughts start creeping in: my family isn’t here, my language doesn’t work here. Worse, the usual “what if I leave?” kind of question.
Where do I go, though? Do I want to go back to the Philippines? It is home. Although I do not know how to live there anymore. It’ll be the opposite of Japan, where I only know the language and the rest is alien to me.
Elsewhere? I do not want to learn another language, or at least force myself in order to survive. It is the most exhausting thing I do in my life and if I could avoid that, that would be great. English-speaking ones? I hope they’re not racist because let’s be honest, the privilege card won’t be on my side when it comes to that.
Or I could just stay. I have built multiple friendships here. My communities are thriving. I live comfortably in a very walkable city. Sure, inflation shrinks everything including the Family Mart Spam Musubi, but it is a beautiful country. I complain about things because I pay my taxes but that shouldn’t diminish the fact that it is a very safe and comfortable country. This isn’t the Complaint Thread on Japanlife Reddit.
Rest assured, I still won’t monetize my stay in Japan by creating Ikigai Instagram posts or Conbini Egg Sandwich Must Have vlogs on Youtube.
So that leaves me where? The 9th year of my limbo. Can you still call it limbo if you’re not hanging anymore? You’ve settled in. I’ve evolved into multiple versions of myself during my stay in Japan and honestly, I’m sure there’s more to it. My journey here isn’t over yet, I just know it. I still have so many highball cans to take.
I gave that card a vague answer. Because I simply do not know.
And even now, 668 words later, I still don’t know how to properly address the card with my chosen answer. I should have gone with “The kink you’re ashamed of...” card instead. It would not have taken an entire essay, if I’m being honest.
So, here I am — still in Japan, still undecided, and still sipping on highballs. Maybe one day I’ll have a grand epiphany of sorts, or maybe I’ll just keep collecting essays and empty cans. Either way, I’ll leave the big decisions for another round. Who knows, maybe by my 10th year, I’ll have an answer, or at least a better card game strategy.
